To avoid the inevitable fine that both Kemp and Dick face, I will construct this report on time.

Firstly, it was great to see the Harry and Nick in attendance today, I hope you recover soon and can’t wait to have you back on the bench.

Happy New year! New Year, same banter... as the well-known saying goes. I hope everyone enjoyed Christmas as much as the Rudgwick players, either that or Ian has shrunk the kits.

Rudgwick is currently recruiting new players, one of which played today. He joined last season for game time from a much much much much much much much higher league. Only to return 4 months into this season for the same reason. Its going well for him up there.

The lads rocked up 3 hours before kick-off, set up the pitch and started to wonder in to get ready. The referee turns up wearing an SX (RIP) fluorescent yellow tracksuit top making his way to the pitch for would seem like an excessively early pitch/stud inspection.

As you know once the rondo is over, we switch on. After an intensive warm up by the finest PT in the squad (GS), including strike throughs, like the US and Iran we were ready for war. Ian, having 3 weeks to prepare his team talk rallied the overweight, unfit and devilishly handsome squad. Individually we knew our role, looking round the dressing room everyone was switched on, including the light.

Long Story Short the game went as such:

Line Up:

Shane Cholwhich (GK)

Andrew Whitworth (71)

Dan Baker ©

Simon Lockwood

Bradley Barnett

Jordan Williams (75)

Joe Berwick (67)

Graeme Sosna (Sanjay)

Steve Dick (69)

Kizza Greig

Mark Scores Goals Blick (73)

Subs:

Josh Archer (73)

Ross Higham (75)

Lee Thomas (69)

Paul Walshe (67)

Adam Kemp (71)

Like in all closely attested games on a bobbly, boggy pitch the standard of football was high. The game started slow, with the midfield battle dominating the early minutes of the game, only a couple of shouts of “defence, defence” from Shane being memorable. The first to notch were Rudgwick, freekick out to the left from Mr Assist Sosna curled a beauty into the box that caught the crusaders in the bog, they were clearly unable to jump and contest the header that Kizza put into the bottom corner. 1-0.

Horsham crusaders almost immediately responded if it wasn’t for a fine save down to his right to the honourable number 2 Rudgwick keeper. Play broke down the other end and Steve Dick weights numbers 23 (questionable foul) and decided from 6 yards out to put his foot through it. When I say through it, he broke the net. Legend.

Crusaders came close when the Rudgwick keeper decided to come out and claim the ball from a corner but forgot to move his feet and found himself on the floor in the 6-yard box nowhere near the ball. The back-post defender, also handsome, leaped like a migrating salmon and managed to keep the ball out to Shanes relief.

The pressure continued and like all good Rudgwick players (extreme flair) the LB showed off what is known in the trade as a well-executed bicycle kick, kudos, great agility to clear the danger. In any instance of defensive flair Ian’s blood pressure rises, very enjoyable.

Rudgwick were next to strike a cross (despite the screams to run the ball) found its way to Kizza in the box who turned 14 inside like Lolly washing the kits. He was swiped at, stayed on his feet only to hear the whistle go and the ref award a pen. Needleless to say it looked a yard outside the box. If there is one person, I know that scores goals, its Mark Blick. He steps up, ignoring the goalkeepers’ shenanigans and places the ball to the opposite side. The keeper sold himself early, amateur.

3-0 Railway men.

HT

We had the classic, ‘we can win this game from here’, ‘focus’, ‘ride the pressure’, ‘fox?’. We knew we had to ride the pressure and ensure we scored next to really seal the 3 points and bring back Ians blood pressure to 120/80.

Second Half.

I can’t recall a Rudgwick performance like it, dominate the proceedings, get a 3-goal advantage and concede early in the second half? A simple through ball cut the sleeping CB’s in half and the step in GK didn’t stand a chance, 1-1.

Well, its 3-1 and I cant work out what’s annoyed Ian more, the goal we just conceded or Kempy in his Ian saying hes ready to come on.

Horsham players are in the ref’s ear about the footballs, complaining about flat they feel to kick. well, I think we changed the ball 15 times, our very own Rudgwick Deflategate, how exciting.

Anyway, game continues, and like all good Rudgwick players (extreme flair) the RB felt like he was missing out and showed off what is known in the trade as a well-executed bicycle kick, cleared the danger into the middle of the park. Great defending, Ian is now declared Dead. Good airtime and stuck the landing 9.9/10.

Rudgwick now firmly pressing, they get a freekick out wide. The ball gets delivered, and like all good Rudgwick players (extreme flair) the LWF felt like he was missing out and showed off what is known in the trade as a well-executed bicycle kick, connection was better than tommy fury and molly-mae, it took a bounce and beat the defender at the far post. The defender panicked, lets be honest.

4-1.

Rudgwick, the dominate force all afternoon continue to press and earn a penalty, albeit a slight delay in being given. The ref wanted to work out if the challenge was in play or not, no VAR at the King George V playing field. Mark has been substituted, Kizza scared to take a pen left the fresh legged, 2-0 champ to step up, like Mark in the first half he sent the keeper the wrong way. 5-1, 3 points cheers.

5-1 Final Score, Rudgwick unbeaten move to second in the league, 1 point off top with 4 games in hand.

Player Ratings:

Line Up:

Shane Cholwhich (GK) – Stunning performance, showed outstanding athleticism and looked very comfortable between the sticks. Nominated MOM for a couple of worldie saves. Is there anything this man can’t do? 12/10

Andrew Whitworth (71) – underpinned the Rudgwick flair today, couldn’t really ask for much more. Gave it his all and smashed the number 9, against Ian’s wishes. 8.5/10.

Dan Baker © - this guy does not mess around, lead the back line in regimented fashion, showed great control and most of all, he loves a ‘Step Up’ shout. 8.5/10

Simon Lockwood – very positive outlook, always light at the end of the tunnel. Covered well when the RB went off the rails. Loves a strong tackle and was great in the air. 8.25/10.

Bradley Barnett – awful performance, cleared the ball once and did a bicycle kick – get over it. 3/10

Jordan Williams (75) – the ghost of the CDM past, you would never have known he was on the pitch, but my god did he for fill his role. Diamond performance nullified their attack 9/10.

Joe Berwick (67) – after spending the last two weeks down under it appears the bush fires have left a little tinge on his facial hair. Played well, got sweaty, loves a header. Love the guy, prince of bucks’ green. 8.1/10

Graeme Sosna (Sanjay) – refused Christmas dinner at his mums as it didn’t suit his meal plan. Ruthless. Like a UPS truck this guy delivers. Played really well and was close MOM 8.752/10

Steve Dick (69) – that hair is something else, the volume is a joke. I can’t give him a good score until he pays for the replacement net. Ran the ball well, put it bins didn’t really celebrate. Ballsy. 8.6/10.

Kizza Greig – Rudgwick’s overated player, turns up, is lazy, scores 2 and then walks off. This guy would be drafted for WWIII. 9.8/10.

Mark Scores Goals Blick (73) – my prince. Closed down their weakest defender like a dog on heat. He moves with such caress, some say he floats.. 8.6/10

Subs:

Josh Archer (73) – welcome back, scores a goal and complains about the length of time people spend in the shower. Left his gf on blue ticks because he didn’t want to lie about having a pint. Lad. 8/10

Ross Higham (75) – does not mess around, came on into the mixer first challenge was big and settled instantly. Bloody good show. 8.1/10

Lee Thomas (69) – turned up expecting a players entrance, pre-game meal and a masseuse, oh how the mighty have fallen. Ref’d the game well, loves the banter. Good to have him back. 8.012/10

Paul Walshe (67) – the second-best PT in the squad, played well in the middle of the park, could turn on the bald patch on bakers’ head and keep the ball. Great to have him back. 8.2/10

Adam Kemp (71) – comes on, does a job and closed out the game. He appreciated the sublte jokes and is always smiling. He also likes long walks on the beach and rimming. 7.6/10