Though now, of all that could have been, there is nothing.

Rudgwick FC (1) 3 AET 3 (1) Rustyhook
Rustington win 5-4 on pens

5th October 2019
King George V Playing Fields
Attendance: exactly 28

Twas a day filled with promise for Rudgwick FC which ultimately ended in disappointment. Yaarr. The visitors from the port town of Rustington (where many a sailor has had a crack at Jenny's teacup) were the heavy favourites coming from an extra 2 leagues above the sea and were fully expecting to give us a jolly rogering.

The referee, who was barely old enough to be a cabin boy, arrived bright and early wearing his best tunic and breeches, inspected the mainsails on the newly ‘levelled’ goalposts and retreated to his changing room to play himself a rousing sea shanty to prepare himself for the game. To be fair young Jimmy lad had a decent game and he was being assessed.

After clearing the remains of an old ship wreck from the changing room the crew made their way to the pitch for the rondo-warmup-game face session. En route to the pitch some members of the opposition team were heard besmirching our Captain Mathews and proclaiming him to be ‘that nonce from Sundays’. AVAST YE! Only his own crew is allowed to ridicule the big sweaty scoundrel. Oh sure he’s an abhorrent blunderbuss, but he’s our abhorrent blunderbuss! Motivation acquired.

The battle commenced and blow me down, we’re easily equal to this county 2 team! We went in at half time 0-1 down, but we were in the game and confident we could get back on terms. Shiver me timbers we did! Mark Bilge suckered the keeper in to a foul and dispatched his first penalty of the day. On to extra time and by god did we give them a good flogging! Salty old sea dog Kemp assisting Rear Admiral Greig to cooly slot home to go 2-1 up. All hands ho! Bilge tied up Rustingtons defender in a reef knot and like Moby Dick and Ahab he took his leg with him to the depths for penalty two 3-1.
We went in to the second half of extra time 2 dubloons to the good and things got even better when the referee decided that Rustingtons number 8 was behaving like a real scallywag and sent him to the brig for the last 10 minutes of the game. We all know dead men tell no tales and we should have left no survivors, but after Luke lost his leg and Simon had to cover between the sticks things went horribly wrong and we allowed 2 scrappy goals in to go 3-3 and to penalties. It was such a long time ago I forget what happened thereafter apart from penalty master Bilge scoring his third.

If there is something to take away from this game it’s that we can comfortably mix it with teams from this level and with better game management should have won. And also if you ever taste the rusty barnacle always use mouthwash.

GK - Luke ‘Peg Leg’ Burrows - Unfortunately lost his leg, performed well otherwise. Hope recovery goes well.

RB - Simon ‘Bilge rat’ Lockwood - The only way of catching a train I have ever discovered, is to miss the train before.

CB - Dan ‘Cockswain’ Baker - Rolled the old chariot along from the back

CB - Shane ‘Moby Dick’ Cholwizard - He’s a big white bastard who’ll have your leg off if he gets the chance.

LB - Andrew ‘Ellen MacArthur’ Whitworth - That mortal man should feed upon the creature that feeds his lamp, and, like Stubb, eat him by his own light. Aaarr.

CDM - Joe ‘Francis Drake’ Berwick - Contender for MOTM photographs very well.

CM - Susan ‘Elizabeth Swann’ Sosna - Yeh so I’ve run out of nautical puns, but he played really well.

CAM - Paul ‘Horatio Hornblower‘ Walshe - Pulled the strings with handsome range of passing.

LW - Steve ‘Long John Silver’ Blick - Steve the pirate. Shame he wasn’t still on for pens.

RW - Kizz ‘Captain Hook’ Greig - He’s just always good. Son of Norwegian composer Edvard.

ST - Mark ‘Captain Ahab’ Blick - Worked real hard up top. Hat-trick of penalties MOTM

CDM - Ross ‘Blackbeard’ Higham - Possibly my new best friend certainly my hero. Ian’s got a real headache in midfield.

RB - Ryan ‘Calico Jack’ Maddison - Sent on at RB in extra time against county 2 team, tough debut did well.

CAM - Adam ‘Roger the cabin boy’ Kemp - Most people think a pirates favourite letter is ‘R’ but his true love be the ‘C’